Monday, June 11, 2012

Cupboard love

I’ve always been fat. Funny how you never turn to fruit when you’re depressed, isn’t it? Or is that just me, trained over the years to look for sustenance in place of solace. I blame my mother. Food was at the centre of everything in our house: celebrations, commiserations, visitations, confrontations. It was the only way she knew to show love. Or compassion. Or care. Or concern. As long as there was food on the table she was being a good parent. It was her response to every event in our lives.

When I fell and scraped my knee she offered biscuits. After doctor visits it was cake. Boyfriend dumped me? Sausage rolls. Missed the train? Bag of sweets. Feeling down? Cheese on toast. If I did well in exams? Well, that was expected of me and elicited no response. So I would find my own support in comfort food.

Even in my thirties she was hard to please. One particularly impressive promotion triggered no praise, just a strained ‘not before time’. I replaced her missing ‘well done’ with a steak - no, not well done, but rare, like her plaudits.

She’s been gone a decade and I still eat, associating food with everything I do. I am making myself ill in the process; hurrying toward an early grave. Perhaps in eternity she will find the time to applaud me.

I've not been writing much lately so I'm forcing myself to put some words together about any topic that has come up in conversation, on TV, or whatever. I've read a lot of stuff about diet and body image lately. This isn't great - but it's a start.


Stew said...

It might not be great.
But it's honest.
And that's a great place to start.

Akelamalu said...

My mother and grandmothers were the same - offer food as comfort. It's a habit I wish I hadn't embraced. I totally know where you're coming from on this.

Sandra Davies said...

Part-chimes with my small stone for today ... and my decision to have a chocolate wafer biscuit with my lunch (because I've been good and gone to the gym!!)
But I've only myself toblame because the food-as-comfort regime was not one I 'suffered' (?) from.

Jan said...

I recognise some of that. I swung between two families. One that loved food, celebations, excess of all kinds - comfort eating too! Then the other where I was labelled as the ganet, and where I often felt hungry.

Friko said...

I am absolutely certain that we are not siblings, yet . . . .

snafu said...

What is fat? If you can climb a flight of stairs without oxygen, who cares if one has a few more wobbly bits than you really want? Cuddly is better than bony in my opinion.

Hilary Melton-Butcher said...

H Morning AJ .. I'm eating fruit and fresh veggie while in season - in an attempt to lose some weight too - I need to stride out ..

Went to London yesterday and now have a blister .. Off to Oxford tomorrow .. so blister had better behave! Exhibitions ..

Cheers Hilary